if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
