Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
