remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
