There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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