he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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