I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
