put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
