I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
