dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
