I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
