70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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