I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again