Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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