is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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