Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
