pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
