when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
