i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
