I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
