You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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