FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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