my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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