ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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