can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I AM VODKA MAN
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
