im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
