i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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