Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
