yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
