shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
