he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
