You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
