yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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