I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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