omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
