So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
