There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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