dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
