All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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