omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
