Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You are a genius and a whore.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
