I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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