I'm drive I can fine osifer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
