the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize