Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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