It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
