I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
