You made me cry and you don't even care
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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