I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
