hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
