Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
