Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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