I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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