90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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