I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
