the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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