i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
