we have officially lost it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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