youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
