Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
