My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How external is "for external use only"?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
